TWO birds?! I'd be impressed if you killed just one bird with one stone!

---

I'm like NBA Jam 1993 John Stockton level sinking these three-point jokes: "ON FIRE!!!"

---

[Tiny little chorus of orphan milk cartons at grocery store]

It's a hard knock shelf life for us
It's a hard knock shelf life for us
'Stead of sips
We get spit
'Stead of mixed
We get nixed
It's a hard knock shelf life

Got no 'fridge to speak of, so
Into the backed up drain I go

Empty icebox!
'Stead of full

Black coffee!
So uncool...

It's a hard knock shelf life.

---

ME: Yeah, I'd say I'm a pretty chill guy. Some people think I'm obsessive but I don't know why. I don't need things to be "just so."

HER: Are you... ironing your shoelaces?

ME: I'm pleating them at the moment, actually.

---

She's like a spicy wine. I call her Holly Pinot.

---

I guess their current guy isn't fly enough?

_________________________________________________________________

My friend just accused me of having some sort of vicarious sandwich fetish.


HER: Every time someone even mentions a sandwich in a story you stop the conversation to ask them what kind of sandwich it was.

ME: No I don't! I mean, yeah sometimes, but not always.

HER: Yes! You do! Like that time I was telling you about the boy who broke up with me at the Quizno's where that bitch he was hooking up wi--

ME: Oh yeah! What kind of sandwich were you eating again?

HER: [Roll eyes] It was turkey and bacon with--

ME: [Rubbing palms] Ohhh yeahhhhh. Describe it slower...

HER: [Giving me the crook eye] T u r k e y   a n d   b a c o n...--

ME: [Creepy hands] Yeah yeah, that's the stuff. Now arch your back, and hold this jar of Kosciusko spicy mustard while you tell me about it reeeeeal slow like.


_________________________________________________________________

          [SCENE: Millions gathered at my funeral]

          [Hold camera on crying mother]

PRIEST: His tweets and Facebook posts were always meticulously spell-checked, and hey, what more can you really ask of a man?

          [Enter: the guy I hired to ride a skateboard and play sax at the same time for my
           funeral]


______________________________________________________________________

BRAIN: Well, you tried to cheer yourself up and you failed. The lesson is: never try.

ME: Stop stealing Homer Simpson quotes, Brain.

BRAIN: That's literally all you know! All I've got in here is Simpsons quotes and a list of the moves from Street Fighter 2!!!


______________________________________________________________

[Two gay guys on vacation show up for a Southern Pride parade]

MITCH: Uh oh, Ricky. I don't think you read that flyer right. Let's have another look at it.


________________________________________________________

          [SCENE: Watching Netflix with Johnny Loops]

ME: Eww, gross! The X-Files are kissing! I thought they were brother and sister. They have the same last name!

JL: "Mulder and Scully?"

ME: Yeah! Mulder X-File and Scully X-File. Hence, "The X-Files." It's like the Jeffersons, or the Full Houses, right?


___________________________________________________________

Why does the old adage go "It's always darkest before dawn?"

That's patently false. Anyone who's stayed up all night--doing healthy non-hedonistic activities of course!--can plainly see that the sky lightens pretty gradually and evenly as the Earth turns us towards the sun.

It's actually darkest at Midnight. That is to say, twelve hours after real Noon, or about twelve hours after the sun has reached its highest peak in the sky. (n.b. Daylight Savings plus the arrangement of time zones make it so these don't precisely sync with 12am or 12pm.)

At true Midnight, the sun is on the direct opposite side of the planet, meaning that's when the least amount of light will reach us in this hemisphere.

And to be really pedantic, it's officiallly darkest at Midnight during the new moon phase of the lunar cycle.

So next time you're despondent and try to find solace in telling yourself it's always darkest before dawn, just remember that science says you're only halfway through your problems.

Smile!


_______________________________________________________________

"Let us think the unthinkable, let us do the undoable. Let us prepare to grapple with the ineffable itself, and see if we may not eff it after all." 

--Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency

This will forever remain one of my top five favorite lines of all time. That wordplay at the end is classic Simpsons-level genius.


________________________________________________________________

          [SCENE: Funny, hip, young priest teaching Sunday school]

PRIEST: "Death must not be so bad, my child. After all, no one has ever come back to complain!"

JESUS [clears throat]: "Ahem."

PRIEST: "Well, uh, except for this one guy."


______________________________________________________________

[Reading Cat's Cradle]

"What a rip off!"

[Slams book shut and throws it across the room]

"There are no cute sleeping kittens at all in this book!"


_____________________________________________

The cool thing about being into old media and culture when you're growing up is that you never feel old just because young people don't get your references. No one *ever* got my Lost in Space or Dobie Gillis references when I was a kid.

"Danger, Will Robinson! Beatniks are slowly shuffling your way!"


__________________________________________________

           [SCENE: Classroom]

[Pierced teen in ripped jeans and a Slayer t-shirt]: "My whole life is fuckin' metal. I bleed metal, man!"

Biology teacher: "That's true, Trevor, your blood literally contains iron. In fact, you could say" [whips out guitar] "we all bleed metal."

[Starts shredding; kids in class go bonkers]

"Hi, I'm Kip Winger and I'll be your freshman biology teacher."


______________________________________________________

My favorite part of Kitchen Nightmares is when the server has to relay Chef Ramsey's pithy critiques to the cook or owner of the restaurant. He'll say something that sounds witty coming out of his mouth but sounds so awkward when said by anyone else.

Ramsey [to server]: "This tastes like the cook cut out a giraffe's tongue and deep fried it!"

Server [to cook] "He, uh, says that tastes like, um, a deep-fried giraffe tongue?"


____________________________________________________________

Genie: I will grant you three wishes, BUT!, no wishing for more wishes.

Me: In that case, my first wish is for more genies.

[Jesus descends from heaven to give me a high five]


_______________________________________

[Me getting beat to a pulp]

I keep telling you, I said, "Sorry about your mom's ANGINA!"


__________________________________

          [SCENE: Dirt road in front of a Mississippi Baptist church]

Priest: "No child should be raised by two fathers! It's an abomination unto the Lord!"

          [Billy, whose father died and whose mother remarried begins to cry]

Priest: "Uh, well... that is, a child should not have two fathers at the same time!"

          [Cut to teen Jesus, playing catch with Joseph and God]

Jesus: "Where in the hell is that bag of ass picking up this crap?"

Satan [from the hell]: "Nope! This is between y'all and that bastard-hat. Leave me out of this."


_____________________________________

[Me, on my deathbed]

St. Peter: "Step into the light, child."

Me: Wait! I forgot my phone charger!!!


________________________________

A moment of sympathy for all the commitment-phobic gay men and women who now have to come up with a new excuse for why they can't marry you.


_________________________________________

[TWEET] All the King's Horses...

One of my favorite tweets of all time:

____________________________________

[Drinking with Jesus on the stoop when a cop approaches]

Cop: "What's in the cups, boys?"

Jesus: "Just water, officer."

[Jesus lifts sunglasses and winks at camera]


____________________________________

The Archetype of the Gay Villain

This is a great bit from James Adomian (@JAdomian). It changed how I look at villains in a lot of TV and movies:

http://youtu.be/KFyo9b4_6iY

________________________________________

The Federation's Flagship Bed

Are we to believe that the captain of The Federation's flagship vessel doesn't even rate a king-sized bed? Not even a queen? What is that anyway? It doesn't even look like a full-size bed! Fuck you, Star Trek.


__________________________________

How to Bring Back the Dinosaurs

 

Tango's Tumblr

Hat tip to @DrScienceCat

______________________________________

Hometown Hits the Big Time

For those of you not from Mississippi or the region, the question is "What is Hattiesburg?" My hometown, and USM is where I went to school. Surprisingly, a contestant got it right. Way to go Kevin.


___________________________________

The Humpiest Day of the Year

Today is Wednesday, June 17, 2015.

Today is the hump day of the week, in the hump week of the month, in the hump month of the year, in the hump year of the decade.

What I'm saying is that after today, we can just coast until 2020. Those emails can wait, people... until Monday, January 6th 2020.

Things won't be this good again until June 15th, 2050.


___________________________________

[LINK] 6 Batshit Crazy Ways Superman Tried to Protect His Identity

Seanbaby has been quiet lately. I suppose he's been busy with Calculords, which is the best mobile game on the market if you ask me. The wait is over, though! His newest for Cracked is a good one:

6 Batshit Crazy Ways Superman Tried to Protect His Identity

"I hope I've demonstrated during this article that Superman scripts are filled with more dark insanity than the dream journals of Josh Duggar's sisters, so it's no small thing when I say this Pat Boone comic is the batshit-craziest Superman story of all time."

"The stakes in Superman stories are so low you'd swear you were reading Gwyneth Paltrow's blog."

Lots of other great lines in this article. Seanbaby still delivers. 

Last night I was talking with someone who mentioned several times that her co-workers are "full of Pinot," which I thought was a clever way of saying that they're drunkards. I was mistaken. She was actually saying that they are Filipino; I was just hearing her wrong.

Heh. I'm going to get a lot of mileage out of that played upon set of words.


______________________________________

A Quick Guide to My Headspace at Any Given Moment

[LINK] The Sky is the Limit

This Tumblr is great: sadanimalfacts.com

As the name implies, it is full of sad animal facts illustrated with cute drawings. 

Red Hot Chilly Peppers? Make up your minds guys. Are you hot or cold?


__________________________________

Someone called me a rapscallion today. What is that? Some kind of hip hop onion?


______________________________

[MUSIC] Saint-Saens "Aquarium"

I've noticed this piece showing up in more and more TV shows over the last decade. I don't know, maybe it has always been popular on soundtracks and I'm only noticing it now. It first caught my attention in the Simpsons episode, "The Wife Aquatic" and it's been popping up ever since. It's a pretty piece, so I'm not complaining.

[LINK] Super Metroid Music

This is really only a note to myself, but it may be of interest to others. Metroid Database is a website dedicated to, you guessed it, the Metroid series. My personal favorite is Super Metroid for the SNES. It ranks up there in my top five games of all time.

Anyway, I wanted to hear the music from the Maridia region of the game which led me to the Metroid Database where I found rips of the soundtrack. If anybody else is interested, it can be found here:

http://www.metroid-database.com/sm/music.php

Source: imgur

 This gif takes me to a happy place.

[LINK] Ursula K. Le Guin in The Paris Review

Copyright Marian Wood Kolisch

Ursula K. Le Guin is one of my favorite authors. While she is probably best known for the Earthsea series, she also wrote some of my favorite sci-fi stories. The Left Hand of Darkness is a classic that I recommend to anyone who is a fan of the genre.

Somewhere in the maelstrom of Twitter I came across a link to an interview with her at the Paris Review. It's good stuff. She talks about her family and life in the Berkley scene of the '40s and '50s. Did you know she and Philip K. Dick went to the same high school? Me either.

Paris Review - The Art of Fiction No. 221, Ursula K. Le Guin

If you want to check out her work, I'd recommend any of her short stories, and of course The Left Hand of Darkness which besides being a great book, also inspired some really choice cover art:

 More Links:

Ursula K. Le Guin's Official Website 

UKL at Wikipedia

UKL Bibliography at Wikipedia

Buy UKL Books at Amazon.com