Catato

One of Those Ten Things Lists...

Ten numbers that are real, and one is imaginary! Spot the fake!

1. 2
2. 3.14159
3. 440
4. 186,000
5. 1,125
6. 28
7. 78,557
8. 691
9. √-1
10. 42

I See What You're up to, United Airlines

Beating passengers unconscious, and dropping scorpions on them. Is this all a viral ad for a new Mortal Kombat game?

The Most 2017 Headline of 2017

Every word another adventure...

Meet Donald Trump's Propagandist

I can guarantee you that well over 

50% of that meal was his own body hair.

2015: Didn't I tell you we have the best chronic in Canada? Let's blaze this whole zone


2017: Nah, bro. I'm all out. It's dry as hell around here. 

Duracell Overreaches

That's one lofty claim there, Duracell.

BREAKING: Secret Behind-the-Scenes Footage of Hughes and Phalen Recording a New Track

Trump is Person of the Year?

I'm not sure why anyone is acting as if TIME's "Person of the Year Award" holds any prestige. Remember when they gave it to literally every person on the planet?

One Accomplishment

I've done a lot of things in my lifetime. Some good, others bad. But I think what I'm most proud of is that I have not eaten a Hot Pocket in over a decade.

TWO birds?! I'd be impressed if you killed just one bird with one stone!

---

I'm like NBA Jam 1993 John Stockton level sinking these three-point jokes: "ON FIRE!!!"

---

[Tiny little chorus of orphan milk cartons at grocery store]

It's a hard knock shelf life for us
It's a hard knock shelf life for us
'Stead of sips
We get spit
'Stead of mixed
We get nixed
It's a hard knock shelf life

Got no 'fridge to speak of, so
Into the backed up drain I go

Empty icebox!
'Stead of full

Black coffee!
So uncool...

It's a hard knock shelf life.

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ME: Yeah, I'd say I'm a pretty chill guy. Some people think I'm obsessive but I don't know why. I don't need things to be "just so."

HER: Are you... ironing your shoelaces?

ME: I'm pleating them at the moment, actually.

---

She's like a spicy wine. I call her Holly Pinot.

---

I guess their current guy isn't fly enough?

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My friend just accused me of having some sort of vicarious sandwich fetish.


HER: Every time someone even mentions a sandwich in a story you stop the conversation to ask them what kind of sandwich it was.

ME: No I don't! I mean, yeah sometimes, but not always.

HER: Yes! You do! Like that time I was telling you about the boy who broke up with me at the Quizno's where that bitch he was hooking up wi--

ME: Oh yeah! What kind of sandwich were you eating again?

HER: [Roll eyes] It was turkey and bacon with--

ME: [Rubbing palms] Ohhh yeahhhhh. Describe it slower...

HER: [Giving me the crook eye] T u r k e y   a n d   b a c o n...--

ME: [Creepy hands] Yeah yeah, that's the stuff. Now arch your back, and hold this jar of Kosciusko spicy mustard while you tell me about it reeeeeal slow like.


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          [SCENE: Millions gathered at my funeral]

          [Hold camera on crying mother]

PRIEST: His tweets and Facebook posts were always meticulously spell-checked, and hey, what more can you really ask of a man?

          [Enter: the guy I hired to ride a skateboard and play sax at the same time for my
           funeral]


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