Friday, July 24, 2015

Why does the old adage go "It's always darkest before dawn?"

That's patently false. Anyone who's stayed up all night--doing healthy non-hedonistic activities of course!--can plainly see that the sky lightens pretty gradually and evenly as the Earth turns us towards the sun.

It's actually darkest at Midnight. That is to say, twelve hours after real Noon, or about twelve hours after the sun has reached its highest peak in the sky. (n.b. Daylight Savings plus the arrangement of time zones make it so these don't precisely sync with 12am or 12pm.)

At true Midnight, the sun is on the direct opposite side of the planet, meaning that's when the least amount of light will reach us in this hemisphere.

And to be really pedantic, it's officiallly darkest at Midnight during the new moon phase of the lunar cycle.

So next time you're despondent and try to find solace in telling yourself it's always darkest before dawn, just remember that science says you're only halfway through your problems.



Wednesday, July 22, 2015

"Let us think the unthinkable, let us do the undoable. Let us prepare to grapple with the ineffable itself, and see if we may not eff it after all." 
--Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency

This will forever remain one of my top five favorite lines of all time. That wordplay at the end is classic Simpsons-level genius.


Monday, July 20, 2015

          [SCENE: Funny, hip, young priest teaching Sunday school]

PRIEST: "Death must not be so bad, my child. After all, no one has ever come back to complain!"

JESUS [clears throat]: "Ahem."

PRIEST: "Well, uh, except for this one guy."


Friday, July 17, 2015

[Reading Cat's Cradle]

"What a rip off!"

[Slams book shut and throws it across the room]

"There are no cute sleeping kittens at all in this book!"


Wednesday, July 15, 2015

The cool thing about being into old media and culture when you're growing up is that you never feel old just because young people don't get your references. No one *ever* got my Lost in Space or Dobie Gillis references when I was a kid.

"Danger, Will Robinson! Beatniks are slowly shuffling your way!"


Monday, July 13, 2015

           [SCENE: Classroom]

[Pierced teen in ripped jeans and a Slayer t-shirt]: "My whole life is fuckin' metal. I bleed metal, man!"

Biology teacher: "That's true, Trevor, your blood literally contains iron. In fact, you could say" [whips out guitar] "we all bleed metal."

[Starts shredding; kids in class go bonkers]

"Hi, I'm Kip Winger and I'll be your freshman biology teacher."


Friday, July 10, 2015

My favorite part of Kitchen Nightmares is when the server has to relay Chef Ramsey's pithy critiques to the cook or owner of the restaurant. He'll say something that sounds witty coming out of his mouth but sounds so awkward when said by anyone else.

Ramsey [to server]: "This tastes like the cook cut out a giraffe's tongue and deep fried it!"

Server [to cook] "He, uh, says that tastes like, um, a deep-fried giraffe tongue?"


Wednesday, July 8, 2015

Genie: I will grant you three wishes, BUT!, no wishing for more wishes.

Me: In that case, my first wish is for more genies.

[Jesus descends from heaven to give me a high five]


Monday, July 6, 2015

[Me getting beat to a pulp]

I keep telling you, I said, "Sorry about your mom's ANGINA!"


Wednesday, July 1, 2015

          [SCENE: Dirt road in front of a Mississippi Baptist church]

Priest: "No child should be raised by two fathers! It's an abomination unto the Lord!"

          [Billy, whose father died and whose mother remarried begins to cry]

Priest: "Uh, well... that is, a child should not have two fathers at the same time!"

          [Cut to teen Jesus, playing catch with Joseph and God]

Jesus: "Where in the hell is that bag of ass picking up this crap?"

Satan [from the hell]: "Nope! This is between y'all and that bastard-hat. Leave me out of this."