Friday, August 28, 2015

TWO birds?! I'd be impressed if you killed just one bird with one stone!

Wednesday, August 26, 2015

I'm like NBA Jam 1993 John Stockton level sinking these three-point jokes: "ON FIRE!!!"

Monday, August 24, 2015

[Tiny little chorus of orphan milk cartons at grocery store]

It's a hard knock shelf life for us
It's a hard knock shelf life for us
'Stead of sips
We get spit
'Stead of mixed
We get nixed
It's a hard knock shelf life

Got no 'fridge to speak of, so
Into the backed up drain I go

Empty icebox!
'Stead of full

Black coffee!
So uncool...

It's a hard knock shelf life.

Friday, August 21, 2015

ME: Yeah, I'd say I'm a pretty chill guy. Some people think I'm obsessive but I don't know why. I don't need things to be "just so."

HER: Are you... ironing your shoelaces?

ME: I'm pleating them at the moment, actually.

Wednesday, August 19, 2015

She's like a spicy wine. I call her Holly Pinot.

Monday, August 17, 2015

I guess their current guy isn't fly enough?


Friday, August 14, 2015

My friend just accused me of having some sort of vicarious sandwich fetish.

HER: Every time someone even mentions a sandwich in a story you stop the conversation to ask them what kind of sandwich it was.

ME: No I don't! I mean, yeah sometimes, but not always.

HER: Yes! You do! Like that time I was telling you about the boy who broke up with me at the Quizno's where that bitch he was hooking up wi--

ME: Oh yeah! What kind of sandwich were you eating again?

HER: [Roll eyes] It was turkey and bacon with--

ME: [Rubbing palms] Ohhh yeahhhhh. Describe it slower...

HER: [Giving me the crook eye] T u r k e y   a n d   b a c o n...--

ME: [Creepy hands] Yeah yeah, that's the stuff. Now arch your back, and hold this jar of Kosciusko spicy mustard while you tell me about it reeeeeal slow like.


Wednesday, August 12, 2015

          [SCENE: Millions gathered at my funeral]

          [Hold camera on crying mother]

PRIEST: His tweets and Facebook posts were always meticulously spell-checked, and hey, what more can you really ask of a man?

          [Enter: the guy I hired to ride a skateboard and play sax at the same time for my


Monday, August 10, 2015

BRAIN: Well, you tried to cheer yourself up and you failed. The lesson is: never try.

ME: Stop stealing Homer Simpson quotes, Brain.

BRAIN: That's literally all you know! All I've got in here is Simpsons quotes and a list of the moves from Street Fighter 2!!!


Friday, August 7, 2015

[Two gay guys on vacation show up for a Southern Pride parade]

MITCH: Uh oh, Ricky. I don't think you read that flyer right. Let's have another look at it.


Wednesday, August 5, 2015

          [SCENE: Watching Netflix with Johnny Loops]

ME: Eww, gross! The X-Files are kissing! I thought they were brother and sister. They have the same last name!

JL: "Mulder and Scully?"

ME: Yeah! Mulder X-File and Scully X-File. Hence, "The X-Files." It's like the Jeffersons, or the Full Houses, right?