[SCENE: Classroom]

[Pierced teen in ripped jeans and a Slayer t-shirt]: "My whole life is fuckin' metal. I bleed metal, man!"

Biology teacher: "That's true, Trevor, your blood literally contains iron. In fact, you could say" [whips out guitar] "we all bleed metal."

[Starts shredding; kids in class go bonkers]

"Hi, I'm Kip Winger and I'll be your freshman biology teacher."


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My favorite part of Kitchen Nightmares is when the server has to relay Chef Ramsey's pithy critiques to the cook or owner of the restaurant. He'll say something that sounds witty coming out of his mouth but sounds so awkward when said by anyone else.

Ramsey [to server]: "This tastes like the cook cut out a giraffe's tongue and deep fried it!"

Server [to cook] "He, uh, says that tastes like, um, a deep-fried giraffe tongue?"


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Genie: I will grant you three wishes, BUT!, no wishing for more wishes.

Me: In that case, my first wish is for more genies.

[Jesus descends from heaven to give me a high five]


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[Me getting beat to a pulp]

I keep telling you, I said, "Sorry about your mom's ANGINA!"


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          [SCENE: Dirt road in front of a Mississippi Baptist church]

Priest: "No child should be raised by two fathers! It's an abomination unto the Lord!"

          [Billy, whose father died and whose mother remarried begins to cry]

Priest: "Uh, well... that is, a child should not have two fathers at the same time!"

          [Cut to teen Jesus, playing catch with Joseph and God]

Jesus: "Where in the hell is that bag of ass picking up this crap?"

Satan [from the hell]: "Nope! This is between y'all and that bastard-hat. Leave me out of this."


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