TWO birds?! I'd be impressed if you killed just one bird with one stone!

---

I'm like NBA Jam 1993 John Stockton level sinking these three-point jokes: "ON FIRE!!!"

---

[Tiny little chorus of orphan milk cartons at grocery store]

It's a hard knock shelf life for us
It's a hard knock shelf life for us
'Stead of sips
We get spit
'Stead of mixed
We get nixed
It's a hard knock shelf life

Got no 'fridge to speak of, so
Into the backed up drain I go

Empty icebox!
'Stead of full

Black coffee!
So uncool...

It's a hard knock shelf life.

---

ME: Yeah, I'd say I'm a pretty chill guy. Some people think I'm obsessive but I don't know why. I don't need things to be "just so."

HER: Are you... ironing your shoelaces?

ME: I'm pleating them at the moment, actually.

---

She's like a spicy wine. I call her Holly Pinot.

---

I guess their current guy isn't fly enough?

_________________________________________________________________

My friend just accused me of having some sort of vicarious sandwich fetish.


HER: Every time someone even mentions a sandwich in a story you stop the conversation to ask them what kind of sandwich it was.

ME: No I don't! I mean, yeah sometimes, but not always.

HER: Yes! You do! Like that time I was telling you about the boy who broke up with me at the Quizno's where that bitch he was hooking up wi--

ME: Oh yeah! What kind of sandwich were you eating again?

HER: [Roll eyes] It was turkey and bacon with--

ME: [Rubbing palms] Ohhh yeahhhhh. Describe it slower...

HER: [Giving me the crook eye] T u r k e y   a n d   b a c o n...--

ME: [Creepy hands] Yeah yeah, that's the stuff. Now arch your back, and hold this jar of Kosciusko spicy mustard while you tell me about it reeeeeal slow like.


_________________________________________________________________

          [SCENE: Millions gathered at my funeral]

          [Hold camera on crying mother]

PRIEST: His tweets and Facebook posts were always meticulously spell-checked, and hey, what more can you really ask of a man?

          [Enter: the guy I hired to ride a skateboard and play sax at the same time for my
           funeral]


______________________________________________________________________

BRAIN: Well, you tried to cheer yourself up and you failed. The lesson is: never try.

ME: Stop stealing Homer Simpson quotes, Brain.

BRAIN: That's literally all you know! All I've got in here is Simpsons quotes and a list of the moves from Street Fighter 2!!!


______________________________________________________________

[Two gay guys on vacation show up for a Southern Pride parade]

MITCH: Uh oh, Ricky. I don't think you read that flyer right. Let's have another look at it.


________________________________________________________

          [SCENE: Watching Netflix with Johnny Loops]

ME: Eww, gross! The X-Files are kissing! I thought they were brother and sister. They have the same last name!

JL: "Mulder and Scully?"

ME: Yeah! Mulder X-File and Scully X-File. Hence, "The X-Files." It's like the Jeffersons, or the Full Houses, right?


___________________________________________________________