Wednesday, July 1, 2015

          [SCENE: Dirt road in front of a Mississippi Baptist church]

Priest: "No child should be raised by two fathers! It's an abomination unto the Lord!"

          [Billy, whose father died and whose mother remarried begins to cry]

Priest: "Uh, well... that is, a child should not have two fathers at the same time!"

          [Cut to teen Jesus, playing catch with Joseph and God]

Jesus: "Where in the hell is that bag of ass picking up this crap?"

Satan [from the hell]: "Nope! This is between y'all and that bastard-hat. Leave me out of this."

Monday, June 29, 2015

[Me, on my deathbed]

St. Peter: "Step into the light, child."

Me: Wait! I forgot my phone charger!!!

Saturday, June 27, 2015

A moment of sympathy for all the commitment-phobic gay men and women who now have to come up with a new excuse for why they can't marry you.

Friday, June 26, 2015

Thursday, June 25, 2015

[Drinking with Jesus on the stoop when a cop approaches]

Cop: "What's in the cups, boys?"

Jesus: "Just water, officer."

[Jesus lifts sunglasses and winks at camera]