Friday, August 28, 2015

TWO birds?! I'd be impressed if you killed just one bird with one stone!

Wednesday, August 26, 2015

I'm like NBA Jam 1993 John Stockton level sinking these three-point jokes: "ON FIRE!!!"

Monday, August 24, 2015

[Tiny little chorus of orphan milk cartons at grocery store]

It's a hard knock shelf life for us
It's a hard knock shelf life for us
'Stead of sips
We get spit
'Stead of mixed
We get nixed
It's a hard knock shelf life

Got no 'fridge to speak of, so
Into the backed up drain I go

Empty icebox!
'Stead of full

Black coffee!
So uncool...

It's a hard knock shelf life.

Friday, August 21, 2015

ME: Yeah, I'd say I'm a pretty chill guy. Some people think I'm obsessive but I don't know why. I don't need things to be "just so."

HER: Are you... ironing your shoelaces?

ME: I'm pleating them at the moment, actually.

Wednesday, August 19, 2015

She's like a spicy wine. I call her Holly Pinot.